​It's midday and I’m sitting on my couch with one eye on re-runs of various golf tournaments, officially confined to one outing per day for exercise, and essential trips for food, medicines, etc. due to COVID-19/Coronavirus restrictions. In my case I go out for a daily bike ride and to walk my dog. In a strange way I quite like the isolation; streets almost empty of people, roads almost free from traffic, the sky almost empty of planes. It’s noticeable that the air is clearer and cleaner. There’s a strange calm in the streets, as though the world has gone into reset mode. 

For the last few weeks at 8 pm on a Thursday night people in the have been gathering in the streets outside their homes to “Clap the NHS”, initiated by Dutch woman Annemarie Plas, who had seen the boost clapping for carers gave medical staff in her home country. It’s a fitting tribute to so many who don’t get the credit they deserve for the work they do that has a positive effect on our lives. I find it odd that it takes a pandemic for us to realise how important these people really are!

My Dad once told me never to knock someone who does a job I could never do! The conversation concerned toilet cleaners. To this day I never have and never will. In-fact, I’m genuinely grateful to these people at all times, regardless of the situation. The doctors and nurses who are fighting to keep people alive during the Coronavirus pandemic are heroes, but they’re heroes every day of their lives and they deserve constant recognition, as do the office and toilet cleaners, street cleaners, care home workers, etc. Doctors and nurses don’t deserve verbal and physical abuse from Saturday night drunks. Nor do toilet cleaners deserve the disrespect of inconsiderate people who leave their mess on the toilet floor!

I detest the hypocrisy of politicians, who are in the process of dismantling the National Health Service (NHS) in the UK, and of the people who voted for them, who stand outside their houses and clap their hands as a show of respect. By all means be grateful, but please realise what you have before you throw it away! It's farcical to watch the Prime Minister standing at a podium with a "Save the NHS" sign attached to it. It's an insult to the doctors, nurses and other NHS workers who are putting their lives on the line to heal the sick. Once we're through this crisis I expect the government to use the struggles the NHS has faced during this panic to it's advantage by promoting the need for privatisation. They're not to be trusted.  

Saying all that, there are good things to take from this crisis. Spending more time with family, though stressful for some, is time well spent. Cooking more and eating less fast food is a good thing, as is daily exercise. The roads are less congested and the air is definitely cleaner. Life is for living but maybe once we get through this we’ll do in a calmer more respectful way, for each other and our environment. In the long run maybe we’ll be better for it!  

I hope you and your loved ones stay safe. If you're sick I hope you make a full recovery. If any good comes out of this pandemic I hope it’s the realisation that well-funded, affordable healthcare is a good thing, and I hope it reinforces the fact that so many people, who until now have been taken for granted, get the respect and recognition they deserve regardless of the circumstances.    

If you’ve been through a bitter child custody issue chances are you can relate to the vindictive nature of ex-spouses. I've written about my experience many times, though only privately until now. To make it public is a big step for me. Not in a cathartic sort of way - I've done that many times. Rather, it might offer insight for someone facing a similar situation of what may lie in store. It's a fathers account and I make no apologies for that. It's not meant to be biased but a true account of my experience.

Following divorce, there are parents who want no involvement in their children's lives except to reduce child support. Some parents are incapable of raising children, be it part or full-time. Others are a danger to their children and should not be provided access at all. Then there are parents like me, who want nothing more than to maintain the relationship with their children as much as possible. In either scenario, as the Court system will tell you, the welfare of children is paramount - decisions are typically made on the basis of "what is in the best interest of the children".

From a general perspective the question of who should have more access, more rights to their children, should not be an issue. For the most part conception is both a shared experience and decision. Yes, a special bond forms between mother and child both during and in the months following pregnancy, but that should not be used as a factor in any custody ruling.  On that basis, a father would be discriminated against for being.........a man!

Briefly, we married sometime in 1988 and spent the first few years living in the UK. In 1993 we moved to the USA. Four years later we had our first child, three years later we had our second. In 2002 we returned to the UK and not long after separated. I made poor decisions around that time which created a lot of resentment on her part. I take full responsibility for my actions. The strong anti-depressant medication I was taking at the time didn't help.

A couple of years later we divorced somewhat amicably. We agreed to split time we spent with our children equally. I was in another relationship and actually spent more time with the children than my ex-wife, who spent a lot of her free time partying. I often had extended periods of contact with my kids when my ex was out of town, which was fine by me. Things were going relatively smoothly until she met a man. At that point she started taking the girls with her when she'd go out of town and the dynamic changed quickly. My kids even spent a weekend decorating one guy's house! Eventually that relationship ended and the extended periods of time with my kids returned. At some point after that we both agreed to return to the USA.

What happened around that time is way too convoluted to recount so I’ll give you the shortened version. My ex eventually met another man and then decided she wanted to stay in the UK. Not long after, based on a false kidnapping accusation, she fled with the children and I had to get the police involved to track them down. Following that I hired an attorney and started the process of gaining legal access. I discovered that the mother had moved with the children to a town about ten miles away and was living with her new boyfriend and his parents. I never saw my children for six long weeks. When I was granted access it was for two hours on a Thursday evening. Incredibly I had to meet outside a pizza restaurant where they were handed over to me by the family of my ex’s new boyfriend! At times I was faced with a barrage of abuse and accusations from these people who I’d never met. However, I took whatever contact I could get and applied to the court for improved access. It was my choice to employ the services of good legal representation but the cost was damaging. After incurring huge financial debt, severe emotional stress, fending off false accusations and an application to the court to remove me from the children's lives, I secured 40% physical and 50% legal custody.

A few years later my ex moved back to the USA with the children and her new husband. I could have prevented her taking the children but was done with court and the crippling attorney's fees. Added to that I wanted to avoid inflicting further emotional stress on my kids, so I decided not to contest the move. On some level it was a huge mistake! A few months after they moved back I also returned to the USA. I left my partner in the U.K., though I hoped she would follow.

We agreed to keep the UK custody arrangements in place. However, a couple of months after I returned my ex-wife again applied to the court for full custody. Again I was faced with false accusations and character assassination and a further attempt at removing me from the children's lives. Again I paid a high price, both financially and mentally, though the most saddening aspect was the negative effect it had on the children. It took eighteen long months to resolve. Eventually I was granted 50/50 legal and physical custody. My ex-wife gained nothing!

In my experience the USA courts have a more reasonable approach to child custody than the UK. Back then, the UK family court system was a manipulative sham, in which an organization called CAFCASS (Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service) had such an influence on the courts custody decisions. Their website motto read "Putting children and young people first in the family courts". In my experience that was a lie! CAFCASS was a devious organization that held a bias towards mothers. This was also true of the UK family court system. My attorney informed me that the starting point for the Court and CAFCASS was that the mother gets legal and physical custody, the father gets access. How much access depended on whether the father could prove himself worthy!

At some point the children, seven and four years old at the time, were interviewed in both parental homes by the assigned CAFCASS officer. I told the children to be honest with him during the interview. Not once did I attempt to influence their answers. I left it up to my kids! In desperation I listened to the interview outside my living room door and was left in shock and amazement as the interview progressed. Initially the questions were general but eventually the following conversation took place. "So, would you like to live with Mum and visit your Dad?". "No we want to live with our Dad too!". "Yes, but wouldn't you like to live with Mum and see Dad?". "We want to live with our Dad too!". I'll never forget those words. To ask innocent children such leading, manipulative questions, once let alone twice, is despicable. I have no doubt the officer was waiting for the answer that allowed him to tick the box he wanted to tick! Beware of organizations like CAFCASS. Had I lost real contact with my kids back then I doubt I'd have ever recovered.

As it happened, my situation eventually worked out as well as could be expected. My children, although undoubtedly scarred, came through it and are doing well. We have a beautiful relationship. Money well spent, tears well shed!

To those parents, man or woman, who seek revenge I urge you to think it through carefully. As difficult as it might seem, put your children before your bitterness and anger. There are exceptions to the rule, but no parent "deserves" their children more than another. Children have a right to have both parents included in their lives. Attorneys should not be afforded license to denigrate a parent for the sake of winning a case. These cases should not be about attorneys, winning or revenge. They're about children, the families they once had, and the families that need to be re-established.

Last week I was walking to a meeting in downtown San Francisco. I don't go into SF much these days. After a long day I’d usually mention to my wife how much of a dump the place really is in parts. Seeing countless homeless people on the streets is nothing new, but that doesn't make it easier to witness; people shooting up, relieving themselves in the middle of the street, people ranting and arguing with themselves, people walking the wet rainy streets in bare feet. The more you see it the more you become numb to the effects but at some point you witness something different or impacting.

There are two sides, no pun intended, to Market Street. The further you walk towards Van Ness Ave. the seedier, the more desperate the sights become. Walking on the opposite side to the Warfield Theater tends to be a little cleaner and less unsettling.

Occasionally you witness random acts of kindness; people giving food and drink, others offering emotional support. On this particular day a lady handed a packet of Oreo cookies to a homeless guy. "Thanks!" he said, "All I need now is a glass of milk!!" It made me smile, it actually made me laugh. I smile now when I think of it, but as I walked on I thought more about what he'd said.
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Gradually my smile narrowed, and eventually disappeared. I started to think about what memories this random act of kindness had brought up in this guy's mind. Did it, as I thought, take him back to his childhood? Did it take him back to sleepovers with his friends, pizza for dinner and cookies and milk before bedtime? What memories did it stir in him? He once had a childhood, just like you and I. It may have been happy, maybe not. At some point something changed in his life that eventually brought him to the streets.

We just don’t know their story and are often too quick to judge. They are people like you and I, perhaps better people than you or I. Some need help, be it medical or psychological. Some need love and understanding. They all deserve respect. At some point society has failed the homeless. Yes I know some choose a life on the streets, occasionally some can be aggressive and yes there are frauds out there exploiting the generosity of people, but if looked at carefully how many homeless people are there by choice?

In this day and age it’s incredible that people are forced to live on the streets. Stop and think about that for a minute. Think of where you are right now. Look at your surroundings. Remember what you ate for breakfast, lunch or dinner. Now imagine if you had all that taken away from you tomorrow and found yourself with one outfit to wear, one pair of shoes, perhaps a coat, perhaps not, maybe a blanket or sleeping bag, no toiletries, no toothbrush, no money, no food, no laptop or mobile phone.

Unfortunately there doesn't appear to be any real answers to solving the issue. In my experience the problem is worse in the USA than the UK, which probably reflects the greater lack of social care in the USA. If there was some way of making solving the problem of homelessness a profitable business then maybe we’d see it eradicated. Until then, spare a thought for the homeless. Don't be too judgmental. Stop and have a chat and help them out if you can. You might be surprised how rewarding it can be!

The other day I met a homeless person called Ray, known on the street as "X-Ray". I was walking home from a bar and passed a bus shelter where Ray was sitting with his belongings piled into a shopping cart. As I walked by he said hello. My initial thought was that he would ask for a handout. I said hello back and asked how he was doing? Whether it was his natural way or the sheer surprise that someone had acknowledged him I don’t know, but Ray walked toward me said he was OK and asked how I was doing? For the next fifteen minutes we talked. I discovered that Ray was a California native and had once dreamed of becoming an air pilot. He had a passion for planes, particularly U.S. World War 2 fighters & bombers. He was articulate and interesting to talk with. Ray had found himself on the streets at various stages in his life, most recently following the loss of a dear friend. It was apparent that Ray was not in the best of health and as we talked I wondered what his particular issue was.
The one thing that struck me during our conversation is that Ray loved his country! Here's a man in serious need of social care and medical attention and yet he held no animosity towards his country. Maybe he felt he had no one but himself to blame for his situation.
I understand that some people choose life on the streets, though I doubt they'd choose it in a healthy state of mind over basic housing and medical treatment. It's disgraceful that society can create, be allowed to create, a system with so much wealth and opportunity for some, yet so much poverty and disadvantage to others.
What can society do to eliminate poverty?