A Dad Speaks Out!

If you’ve been through a bitter child custody issue chances are you can relate to the vindictive nature of ex-spouses. I've written about my experience many times, though only privately until now. To make it public is a big step for me. Not in a cathartic sort of way - I've done that many times. Rather, it might offer insight for someone facing a similar situation of what may lie in store. It's a fathers account and I make no apologies for that. It's not meant to be biased but a true account of my experience.

Following divorce, there are parents who want no involvement in their children's lives except to reduce child support. Some parents are incapable of raising children, be it part or full-time. Others are a danger to their children and should not be provided access at all. Then there are parents like me, who want nothing more than to maintain the relationship with their children as much as possible. In either scenario, as the Court system will tell you, the welfare of children is paramount - decisions are typically made on the basis of "what is in the best interest of the children".

From a general perspective the question of who should have more access, more rights to their children, should not be an issue. For the most part conception is both a shared experience and decision. Yes, a special bond forms between mother and child both during and in the months following pregnancy, but that should not be used as a factor in any custody ruling.  On that basis, a father would be discriminated against for being.........a man!

Briefly, we married sometime in 1988 and spent the first few years living in the UK. In 1993 we moved to the USA. Four years later we had our first child, three years later we had our second. In 2002 we returned to the UK and not long after separated. I made poor decisions around that time which created a lot of resentment on her part. I take full responsibility for my actions. The strong anti-depressant medication I was taking at the time didn't help.

A couple of years later we divorced somewhat amicably. We agreed to split time we spent with our children equally. I was in another relationship and actually spent more time with the children than my ex-wife, who spent a lot of her free time partying. I often had extended periods of contact with my kids when my ex was out of town, which was fine by me. Things were going relatively smoothly until she met a man. At that point she started taking the girls with her when she'd go out of town and the dynamic changed quickly. My kids even spent a weekend decorating one guy's house! Eventually that relationship ended and the extended periods of time with my kids returned. At some point after that we both agreed to return to the USA.

What happened around that time is way too convoluted to recount so I’ll give you the shortened version. My ex eventually met another man and then decided she wanted to stay in the UK. Not long after, based on a false kidnapping accusation, she fled with the children and I had to get the police involved to track them down. Following that I hired an attorney and started the process of gaining legal access. I discovered that the mother had moved with the children to a town about ten miles away and was living with her new boyfriend and his parents. I never saw my children for six long weeks. When I was granted access it was for two hours on a Thursday evening. Incredibly I had to meet outside a pizza restaurant where they were handed over to me by the family of my ex’s new boyfriend! At times I was faced with a barrage of abuse and accusations from these people who I’d never met. However, I took whatever contact I could get and applied to the court for improved access. It was my choice to employ the services of good legal representation but the cost was damaging. After incurring huge financial debt, severe emotional stress, fending off false accusations and an application to the court to remove me from the children's lives, I secured 40% physical and 50% legal custody.

A few years later my ex moved back to the USA with the children and her new husband. I could have prevented her taking the children but was done with court and the crippling attorney's fees. Added to that I wanted to avoid inflicting further emotional stress on my kids, so I decided not to contest the move. On some level it was a huge mistake! A few months after they moved back I also returned to the USA. I left my partner in the U.K., though I hoped she would follow.

We agreed to keep the UK custody arrangements in place. However, a couple of months after I returned my ex-wife again applied to the court for full custody. Again I was faced with false accusations and character assassination and a further attempt at removing me from the children's lives. Again I paid a high price, both financially and mentally, though the most saddening aspect was the negative effect it had on the children. It took eighteen long months to resolve. Eventually I was granted 50/50 legal and physical custody. My ex-wife gained nothing!

In my experience the USA courts have a more reasonable approach to child custody than the UK. Back then, the UK family court system was a manipulative sham, in which an organization called CAFCASS (Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service) had such an influence on the courts custody decisions. Their website motto read "Putting children and young people first in the family courts". In my experience that was a lie! CAFCASS was a devious organization that held a bias towards mothers. This was also true of the UK family court system. My attorney informed me that the starting point for the Court and CAFCASS was that the mother gets legal and physical custody, the father gets access. How much access depended on whether the father could prove himself worthy!

At some point the children, seven and four years old at the time, were interviewed in both parental homes by the assigned CAFCASS officer. I told the children to be honest with him during the interview. Not once did I attempt to influence their answers. I left it up to my kids! In desperation I listened to the interview outside my living room door and was left in shock and amazement as the interview progressed. Initially the questions were general but eventually the following conversation took place. "So, would you like to live with Mum and visit your Dad?". "No we want to live with our Dad too!". "Yes, but wouldn't you like to live with Mum and see Dad?". "We want to live with our Dad too!". I'll never forget those words. To ask innocent children such leading, manipulative questions, once let alone twice, is despicable. I have no doubt the officer was waiting for the answer that allowed him to tick the box he wanted to tick! Beware of organizations like CAFCASS. Had I lost real contact with my kids back then I doubt I'd have ever recovered.

As it happened, my situation eventually worked out as well as could be expected. My children, although undoubtedly scarred, came through it and are doing well. We have a beautiful relationship. Money well spent, tears well shed!

To those parents, man or woman, who seek revenge I urge you to think it through carefully. As difficult as it might seem, put your children before your bitterness and anger. There are exceptions to the rule, but no parent "deserves" their children more than another. Children have a right to have both parents included in their lives. Attorneys should not be afforded license to denigrate a parent for the sake of winning a case. These cases should not be about attorneys, winning or revenge. They're about children, the families they once had, and the families that need to be re-established.